SELF-ACTUALIZATION COUNSELING,

HEALING RETREATS, KEYNOTES, BOOKS AND TAPES

with Carolyn M. Ball, MA, LPC, counselor, author, speaker

Featured Articles

Adventure into the Self

             An adventure into the self: What is that? What would be the results of such a journey? How would it affect your life?

            The Self is our core. It exists within us, and is more central to who we are than our personality, our appearance, our occupation, our health, or our relationships. The Self is more real than all of our achievements, all of our suffering, and all of the other things with which we identify and become consumed. It exists as a safe and solid place at the base of all that goes on in our lives.

            When we focus our awareness on the Self, this core of who we are, we discover our true nature, separate from and greater than anything and everything that we are manifesting externally in our lives. To discover the Self is to discover the haven that has always been there, even when we have been distracted with all of the events and activities of life. When we give our attention to that core, we are living our lives connected to our vital essence. When we experience the Self, personality issues lose their power, for we perceive our lives from the perspective that we are unconditionally acceptable, lovable, and perfect.

            What's interesting is that our Self is perhaps the greatest resource we have or could imagine. It is closer than our next breath, yet we have become so culturally attuned to seeking resources outside of ourselves, that we often would not even consider an internal resource.

            When we are confused, scared, feeling lonely, thinking of ourselves as unsuccessful, wondering which way to turn, not sure of how to make a decision, or otherwise caught in our external world, we tend to seek out experts, someone else whom we may deem to know more about us than ourselves. We often count on therapists, doctors, educators, lawyers, spiritual leaders to tell us the "truth," the "right way" to create in our lives. While these resources can offer support, they cannot and should not replace the inner wisdom and knowing we each have. The Self can also better handle what we cannot handle with any one of a number of externally oriented solutions or addictions—TV and computers, substances (from chocolate to cocaine), shopping, being a workaholic, eating, etc. Unfortunately, each of these may take us further and further from the Self—not closer.

            So how do we discover this illusive Self, this aspect of ourselves that is ever present and constantly supportive, but to which we may actually have no conscious relationship at all?

            The answer lies in being willing to be who we are. The simplicity of it is absolutely stunning. While we all tend to get caught in the physical world--the world outside of our core--still, our greatest access to everything we can imagine lies inside of us, not outside.

            Can you imagine a world where everyone could first tap their inner resource and be more guided out of a sense of self-respect and inner knowing, before they turned to physical or material solutions? Can you imagine it being standard procedure for each person to attune to the Self to find a sense of balance and self-love before relating to other people? Wouldn't that create an interesting culture!

            But, admittedly, sometimes it is hard to find that core, that place of safety in the midst of any storm. How can you possibly find the quiet of the eye of the hurricane when you're too busy battening down all the hatches and scurrying for safety?

            The trick is to remember where the source actually is--inside. Then, it is simply a matter of attuning to that place. But HOW? It sounds so darn simple, and yet, it can remain frustratingly illusive!

            Here are some suggestions that will help you discover the Self and utilize the greatest resource you can imagine, which resides in your own being:

            1. Become the observer of your own system. Watch your thoughts, watch your emotions, watch your reactions to events and people in your life. Learn how to hold a little part of you apart from engaging, a part that is able to just see yourself objectively--not judge, but only notice. You might want to set aside a certain amount of time each day to practice this; soon it will become a habit.

            2. Remember your dreams and greatest aspirations. Connect to your own greatest visions of your magnificence. Imagine and visualize yourself in all of your fullness. See yourself fulfilled, doing what you most love, regardless of what anyone else might think or judge. Know that you are a unique expression of humanness on this planet. Honor and enjoy this about yourself.

            2. When hurts, and pains find their way into your life, train yourself to do the opposite of your normal inclination, which is probably to try to avoid anything unpleasant. Instead, dive to the core of what you would resist. Allow yourself to feel completely that which you would avoid. Let yourself experience it and hear the message it has for you. Immerse in feeling of the pain rather than trying to avoid it--until it dissolves. People often think that avoiding something will make it go away, but generally the opposite is true: it becomes imbedded within us due to our resistance to it. The real way to make something to away is to give it our attention fully until it reaches resolution, which can happen very quickly.

            3. Take a little time each day to connect to the Self, to that internal source. A good way to do this is to watch your thoughts. Keep watching them for a while, and then start tracking them back to who is thinking those thoughts. Who is thinking these thoughts? Put your focus now, on the source of the thoughts, and you will find the Self. Interestingly enough, when your awareness is focusing on the thinker, it cannot also think! In this silence, you will experience who you really are: The Self. Why not try it right now?

I’ve been thinking quite a bit recently about the phrase “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” You’ll probably remember that it was popularized several years ago by Bobby McFarrin in a lovely lyrical song with a gentle Caribbean rhythm. The phrase itself was actually coined by Meher Baba, a renowned Indian-Persian Master whose ecumenical teachings highlighted practical applications in the overlapping similarities of all world religions.

While seemingly simple, “Don’t worry; be happy,” upon deeper examination, emerges as an astonishingly profound and succinct guideline for living. Only four words, and two recommendations, it carries a multitude of wise implications for both our psychological and spiritual selves. It is valuable to look more closely at these important concepts.

“Don’t worry.” Well, of course, that’s easier said than done. We would all be surprised to discover how much of our time we actually spend worrying. It’s a normal human trait. We feel concerned about fulfilling our responsibilities, anxious of other’s thoughts about us, apprehensive about how bills will be paid, nervous about our family’s wellbeing, uneasy about how we will survive during retirement, afraid for our health, and generally fearful about a myriad of other life challenges.

One might say, “But, we need to attend to these things. They are how we survive. They are our responsibilities!” And this is true. However, there is a difference between attending to responsibilities and worrying about them.

Worrying is a pattern of thought which focuses on the worse-case scenario, and often repeats those negative thought images over and over. To attend to our responsibilities, on the other hand, is to utilize our energy in doing our best to fulfill them. To worry about our responsibilities is to waste our energy in figuring how we can control an outcome that generally is not in our control. The original quote from Meher Baba, which he repeated many times, was, “Do your best, then, don’t worry, be happy.”

Worrying is a thought process more focused on the avoidance of negative results than creating solution, and it is usually accompanied by negative emotions such as fear, anxiety and helplessness. But attending to something is a combination of thoughts and actions in order to make our best effort at creating a solution, followed by a general sense of surrendering the results.

Surrendering the results means recognizing that once we have done our best, there is really nothing more we can do. The end product is not actually in our hands. We might want to control the results, but quite often the end product has as much to do with other’s choices and circumstances as it does with our input. The 12-step Serenity Prayer addresses just this—recognizing what we can change, what we can’t, and having the wisdom to know the difference.

A person who does not worry is someone who has solid faith in God, in their own Higher Power, in the essential goodness of others, and/or in the ultimate beneficial outcome of events regardless of current appearances. How things turn out is usually not in our control, but doing our best is within our control. Thus, once we do our best, worrying is counterproductive; it puts us in a negative mind-set, which then minimizes our ability to attend, to act, and to solve when the next challenge comes along, whether that is in a few seconds or a few years. Letting go does not mean avoiding our responsibilities; it just means not worrying once we have done our best. This is a way of living that is genuinely very carefree.

One additional word about doing our best: It is essential that we understand that we are always doing our best. Sometimes when we think about things in retrospect, we imagine how we might have done better. But it is important that we utilize that insight in practicing to do our best in the future, and not in beating ourselves up over not having thought of a preferred behavior in the past. Gradually, over time, our best becomes better and better.

Now, the “Be Happy” part: Being happy is a choice. Some time ago, Barry Neil Kaufman, the father of an autistic child, wrote a book called, To Love Is To Be Happy With. The title pretty much says it. Life is full of challenges, shocks, hurts, betrayals, and innumerable difficult people. No person lives on planet earth without their full share of hardships. Yet some seem to be happy, and others sad or angry. Some appear to be content regardless of challenges, even in the face of apparently impossible trials. How do they do it? How can we be happy, regardless of what happens around us?

The key once again is the same internal freedom that comes from not worrying, and that is, the choice to be happy regardless of circumstances. As we live in a world seemingly commanded by external events, we easily buy into the concept that people, events, and possessions are the source of our happiness. And while we may respond with happiness to any of these, our true source of happiness lies not with those things, but inside.

Ah, how often have we heard this! So how do we do it?

The first thing is to be patient with ourselves in learning how. We don’t become adept at anything overnight. Skill comes with practice. And the practice is to catch ourselves responding with negative thoughts and feelings to external events, then to reminding ourselves that we have done our best, and finally, to decide to be happy with whatever is. A negative thought can be changed to a positive one, by our choice, at any moment. And miraculously, we feel better immediately.

Again, this attitude is greatly helped by a large measure of faith and trust. It is also facilitated by discovering that inner core that exists within each of us that is not ruffled by external events and situations—becoming unflappable. If we can sing a gentle and loving tune within even as we deal with external challenges, our hearts will be free. If we can practice to still the tumultuous reactions in our minds—finding the silence between the thoughts—we will find the happiness that comes from an inner calm.

So there it is; “Don’t worry; be happy.” It’s a good thing to keep in mind. And I wrote this as much for myself to remember as to share it with you!

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Dealing with Stress

A certain amount of stress in our lives can help give us motivation and excitement. But stress can leave us feeling tense, tired, out of balance, and cranky. One might think of stress as the emotion caused by undertaking too much, regardless whether that too much is something we enjoy or something we don’t like. Stress may be mental, emotional, or physical, but ultimately lodges in the body and can cause a multitude of possible. And, general, it also leads to anxiety, the emotion caused by thinking about what will happen when all of that "too much" can't be fulfilled--which increases our stress even more.

We often think of stress as being either situational or the responsibility of others, yet it is usually self-induced. We make the choices in our lives as to what, how, and with whom we will engage. Trying to please or to avoid the displeasure of another may temporarily postpone a confrontation, but usually in the long run it makes our stress worse—and doesn’t solve the problem. Sometimes cannot avoid such stressors, but there are choices we can make that can make to lighten our loads.

There are many ways to beat the allure of overdoing, over-pleasing, and over-avoiding. Here are some tips to help both alleviate stress and eliminate of the habit of living stressfully. Some of these ideas may be surprising, but all are valuable:

1. Know yourself. Learn to recognize what causes stress for you and how you react to stress. In fact, you might want to sit down a make a list of causes or stimuli, and typical reactions you have. Are they physical, mental, or emotional? Are they external or internal? All too often we simply stay in habitual patterns of stress without ever recognizing that we can change them. You can't change what you don't know about, so becoming aware of the situations that lead to stress is your greatest leap towards not going there!

2. Create a game-plan for reducing either the stimuli for the stress or your reactions. Do you find yourself just unable to say no? Try taking an assertiveness training class. Do you keep choosing to take on too much? Go for the traditional stress management technique of prioritizing your activities into A's, B's, and C's, then simply eliminate your C's from you agenda. Do you do too much so that others won't criticize you? Then perhaps a counselor can help you work on your self-esteem. Have you surrounded yourself with such a complicate life that you have no time to enjoy it? Simplify, simplify, simplify.

3. Listen to your internal dialogue. Perhaps you're not sure why you do so much. In that case it's important to learn to listen to the thoughts you have immediately before you make the choice to do one more thing; that way you'll tap into your internal motivation. This is the best key to your most appropriate game plan. And, if stress is a habit for you, then undertake to change it as you would any habit; consciously choose to cut out either the stimuli, the reaction to the stimuli, or both.

4. Be in touch with your body and your feelings. We would like to think that we can override the messages which our bodies convey, but stress  is the result of ignoring these natural warning. When stress is ignored, then the result is illness. Notice if your breathing slows or stops. Watch to see if your stomach tightens, your teeth clench, your shoulder tense. Your body may speak to you before you notice other signs of stress. Pay attention and respond with choices that lighten your load.

5. Make sure you get exercise every day, or at least every other day. Our bodies were not made to sit at desks. They were meant to by physical, and physical movement releases the toxins and tensions built up in the muscles. In addition, take a short, brisk walk after work each day. Perhaps take a yoga or exercise class. Being in a class helps us show up for our own exercise program.

6. Be aware of your consumerism. The magnitude of stress in our nation has grown to what might once have been unthinkable proportions since the advent of color television. There is something about color that taps right into our sense of reality, and we buy into advertising and drama in a way that has never existed before. Some television ads call to us to add more and more to our agendas and our possessions, while others call to us to see our doctor for a prescription for undefined drugs for undefined symptoms. And we wonder why our children are already getting hooked on drugs before they are teens! Minimize your stress by minimizing your exposure to that which makes you feel like you don't have enough. Simplify your life—you don’t need so much stuff. And, turn off the television and get a life!

7. Go for the long term fix. Do your best to solve your problems with counseling, not drugs. I rarely see a client who actually needs a lot of medication. Drugs and alcohol may temporarily reduce stress, but the longer range effects are often increased stress, both physically and emotionally. Prescription drugs, too, are often overused. Have you noticed that suddenly everyone has "chemical imbalances?" Where did they all come from? Of course we have chemical imbalances--stress and other abuses of our own bodies can create those imbalances. While some such diagnoses are medically valid, many people can best correct the effects of stress with simple natural methods: Calm down, slow down, exercise, relax, do less, enjoy more.

8. Laughter is the best medicine for most of what ails us. Play a board game or cards. Rediscover good, clean jokes. Throw a Frisbee or play badminton (remember badminton?) Make up a comedy and put on an impromptu show for your friends. Hang out in the back yard and watch the sunset. Replace motorized recreational vehicles with those powered by wind and muscle. Enjoy the silence. Do a float down the river. Listen to the birds. Rediscover a way of living puts emphasis on relaxation instead of stimulation. Breathe deeply. Let go. Enjoy.

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Intimacy and the Truth

           The truth will set us free. Within each of us, there is an essential desire to live a life based on the truth. This is nowhere more relevant than in our relationships with others. The freedom comes when we are honest about who we are and what we feel with others.

Truth creates freedom by the fact that it establishes us in integrity. In Webster’s Dictionary, the first meaning of the word “integrity” is defined as “the quality or state of being complete, unbroken condition, wholeness, entirety.” It is only in the third definition that the commonly used meaning is presented: “uprightness, honesty, sincerity.”

            What is perhaps well illustrated here is that wholeness precedes honesty. As we learn to accept the truth of who we are, we become whole inside, accepting our strengths and weaknesses. Being clear about our truth to others then frees our relationships. Others experience us as upright, honest and sincere when we allow the whole of who we are to be known.

When we withhold parts of ourselves—whether thoughts, actions, beliefs, or feelings—those with whom we are in relationship experience a lack of integrity or wholeness in us, or we might say, they sense the incompleteness which we are presenting to them. Relationships built on withholding parts of ourselves can never be complete or intimate. Thus, as much as it takes courage to allow ourselves to be fully known, our commitment to being whole with another allows also allows a whole relationship. As we grow in our self-esteem, we become more and more willing to have—and desirous of—this kind of integrity in our lives.

            As we learn to tell the truth within ourselves and to ourselves, and as we begin to experience the absolute necessity of living the truth in our lives in order to be firmly grounded in self-esteem, we begin to recognize that this is also essential in how we relate to others. We begin to observe the chaos and distance that come from being dishonest in our relationships.

            Of course, many of us were taught from a very young age not to be honest. Saying what we really felt or thought might have brought condemnation or punishment. Telling the truth may have become either dangerous, or at least inexpedient in getting our wants or needs met.

Yet, being “microscopically honest” as Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks (1990) suggest, catapults us into co-committed relationships which allow individuals to fully be themselves and be real with others. While the fear of being rejected for being ourselves may linger for a while after we have begun claiming our self-esteem, we become less and less willing to pay the price of relationships in which we cannot be whole. When we choose integrity for ourselves, we invite that in others, and in time, gather new relationships around us that foster and support mutual wholeness.

            The primary way we communicate who we are to another is through words, although body language and actions often speak loudly as well. Just as our internal dialogue silently speaks to us of our perceptions of reality, so our words let another person know who we are. If our words do not match with our true feelings or our actions, then we also do not present a “whole” picture to another person. We present fragments which do not fit together. It is vital that we understand the results of such inconsistencies, for the chaos created can reverberate extensively throughout many areas of our lives.

            Relationships are essentially made up of agreements, or understandings, of how two people will interact. These agreements may be spoken or tacit, yet they create the foundation for how we interface with each other. In a relationship between two people who are in integrity with one another, both present themselves as they really are, and both maintain their agreements with each other. Boundaries are clear and mutual respect comes more easily.

            However, if for some reason we think we cannot be honest about ourselves, the relationship also cannot be complete or whole. It affects our intimacy, our trust, our communication, how we are seen by another, our sex lives, and our ability to relax and be present in the relationship. If what we present is even a partial truth, a little white lie, or an unfulfilled agreement, we have not given our truth to another, and thus have not presented our wholeness or our integrity to that person. Or, if we communicate using words such as “you always,” “you never,” “I have to,” and other such absolutes that are inherently untrue, we set up a reaction in the other to those statements, which weakens any point we may want to make.

To honor our relationships with our hearts, we put truth, and therefore our relationship with ourselves and others, before convenience and comfort. That allows the wholeness to be there, and we avoid the series of reactions, compensations, and cover-ups by both parties which compromises the relationship. Without this honoring, we quickly discover that the convenience and comfort are short-lived, and cleaning up the mess takes much more energy than being straight-forward in the first place.

            For example, Harry promised to meet his wife Sheila at 8 o’clock, knowing he had another engagement that would last an hour beginning at 7:30. He wanted to avoid the hassle of a confrontation with her, because she wanted to meet at 6:00. When he broke the agreement with her, she was angry and hurt. He blamed her for being too sensitive and rigid. Yet because he was the one who broke the agreement, he felt angry at himself and at her for the back-paddling he had to do to cover up for not presenting his truth. As this was common in their relationship, Sheila trusted Harry less and less.

            Sheila was very jealous of Harry’s time. Struggling with abandonment issues from childhood, she wanted a husband who was constantly with her. Often, when he had another engagement, she was hurt. Rather than communicate honestly about her fears and negotiate a solution that would be a win-win for both, she withheld her feelings until she was overwhelmed. What then emerged was a barrage of accusations based on her own fear which held little resemblance to the truth or to what was actually going on. Harry became less and less available over time.

            As Harry and Sheila entered into counseling, the result of their dishonesty rang throughout their marriage and was evidenced in the lack of communication skills in their children. They all lived in the same space, but in very separate worlds. However, it did not take long for them to recognize that the lack of sharing the truth of what was inside for both of them had lead to an almost complete lack of intimacy. They chose to create ways to safely communicate and thus rediscover a caring that was still there.

Our word is sacred; it is the foundation of our communications with others and the basis of our relationships. When it is clean and clear, it is more valuable than any gains our manipulations might achieve for us. Healthy relationships born of self-esteem have a space for each person to be who they really are, without shame or condemnation, even though growth and negotiations continue. As we practice telling the whole truth about our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we come more and more into alignment with ourselves, and thus present to others the wholeness that we are discovering within. The prize is an increasing ability to communicate with clarity and love in a relationship.

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Win-Win: A Way of Life

We live in a world very much stimulated by competition. Our view of success is usually somewhat colored by the concept that if one person is to prevail, it naturally means that another must come in second--or if one wins, the other must lose. This perspective can pervade every element of our lives, including our work, our play, our politics, our experience of spirituality, and how we relate to friends and loved ones.

A competitive approach to life has its advantages. It can provide motivation and stimulation to succeed. It can offer a framework of timing and a reason to aspire to quality. And in the world of sports and play, it can afford an enjoyable social past-time.

Yet if we consider what is behind the motivation to win, we find it is often the avoidance of losing and the fear of self-criticisms of failure and inadequacy. Too often, opportunities for cooperation are lost when the spirit of competition causes us to see the other person, business, spouse, country, etc. as an adversary--even as "the bad guy." And in the process, we may lose perspective of our potential kinship and possible mutual support.

            But there is another way--the Win-Win approach to life, and it is equally applicable to all arenas of life. I use it extensively in consulting with corporations and helping businesses with team-building, as well as working with couples in private practice. The principle is very simple: If we seek a win-win solution together, we will both win!

            What happens in a win-win scenario is that both parties are looking out for each other's interests as well as their own. By seeking a win-win solution to any problems, I am not only giving thought to what I want and need, but also to your needs and wants. It means we will listen deeply to each other's perspectives and concerns knowing that to create a win-win solution, we must fully share with each other what our needs are and what winning would mean for each of us.

The win-win approach is beyond compromise; compromise, like win-lose, still assumes one must give up at least a few sacred cows. It involves careful negotiations while protective barriers are maintained. In the win-win approach, however, there is an understanding that there may be an even better solution for each of us if we work together to find it. The win-lose approach might be conceptualized as two opposing points on a straight line--there is no way around direct confrontation. The win-win paradigm can be seen as a triangle, an added dimension or point of view offering a way around the confrontation that is often higher and better than either party could have initially conceived.

The process of win-win is extremely easy and practical, yet it might even be considered spiritual; certainly the results are almost miraculous. The reason is this: when there is something that is important to us, or that we are afraid of losing, we tend to position ourselves opposite anyone or anything we perceive as a threat. We become entrenched and inflexible around that position, often losing track of the real needs and purpose behind our goal. The very experience of opposition results in an enormous loss of insight, intuition, creativity and other resources in finding solutions and reaching goals. In the environment of win-win, those resources are utilized within us and within the other. This creates as sense of safety and an atmosphere of listening and compassionate acceptance whereby the real needs rather than the positions can be addressed. Very often, the positions are only representative of the true needs, and when those are heard in an accepting environment, better solutions surface. Thus, with deeper understanding and the release of greater inner resources, it is almost inevitable that a win-win solution is found.

Several years ago I was directing a cooperative healthcare Center offering a variety of modalities. Our chiropractor had started his practice there, but within less than a year his success was so great that he wanted to find a larger professional space. But because it involved breaking his lease and leaving the community, he began positioning around his need, withdrawing from the group and ceasing communication. So, in one of our weekly meetings I suggested we look at the situation from a win-win perspective: What would be best for both of us?

As we shared our needs, we came to understand how much he really didn't want to leave, and that he assumed breaking the lease was going to create bad feelings within the group. And he was certain he couldn't find any place as nice as the one we shared. When he listened to our needs, he was surprised to learn that we had been adapting more than we really wanted to his flood of clients. But the breaking of his lease was also going to leave us searching for a replacement for him at a very difficult time. As we relaxed into listening with caring to each other's needs, our intuitions opened up. I told him about a beautiful building where another chiropractor was closing his business. He, in turn, thought of the perfect person who would not only would fit into our shared practices, but was ready to rent space just when he would be leaving. We both held the missing pieces for each other, but in our positioning, never thought of them until we entered into the win-win perspective!

So, what are the steps or techniques to creating a win-win solution? They are incredibly simple: When either party says, "Let's find a win-win solution," the space between parties suddenly opens up. There seems to be a natural inner knowing that a win-win solution is best for everyone. Both begin to step out of their self-absorbed positions and become interested in the other's needs. Both begin to look "outside of the box" and think creatively. Brainstorming takes over as tensions relax, understanding increases and excitement grows. Amazingly, the act alone of suggesting a win-win solution brings about a large portion of the results.

The other essential element in the win-win approach is listening with interest. When we are not preparing our rebuttals while another is speaking, we can actually facilitate their looking to their deeper needs, which may shift their position. We can ask questions such as, "If all obstacles were removed, what would you really want?" and "What need would having it that way fulfill for you?" Only when we can understand each other fully can win-win be our reward.

The win-win perspective is not always the perfect solution, but it often is. As you become more and more adept at utilizing this approach in your daily encounters, you'll be amazed how much more you and those around you feel like winners.

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What You Think is What You Get

Probably the most significant and vital arena of our lives is our internal world--that of our thoughts and emotions--our heads and hearts. Yet interestingly, our psycho-spiritual lives tend to get relegated to the back burner in the face of a modern world which emphasizes achievement, acquisitions and success. It is easy to forget that the quality of our lives is more affected by what is inside of us than what is outside--not so much what happens, but how we experience those events.

As human beings we operate primarily out of what I call "conditioned mind." All of the experiences and impressions that we have gathered during life create for us a kind of filter through which we interpret life's events. Over time, whether from repeated similar experiences, or due to major "life-altering" events, we tend to expect that past experiences will be repeated. And by the very fact that we expect certain things to keep occurring--whether through love or fear, we actually draw those same experiences to us. As such, our thoughts create our reality.

For example, if as a child we have had the repeated experience that we can truly trust others, our internal filter will naturally draw us to those we actually can trust, and we will even bring out the trustworthiness in others. But if our experience taught us that trusting brought us pain, then, those internal filters will make us inclined to see that which cannot be trusted in others and to connect with those who cannot be trusted. What we think is what we get.

One of the most dramatic areas where this principle has been applied is the world of sports. Studies have repeatedly shown that visualization with practice yields far greater success than practice alone. Visualization is nothing more that a conscious choice to have a thought of the desired results. It is the practice of systematically replacing old, conditioned thoughts with new thoughts or a new filter.

An all-important corollary to this principle is that when we change how we think, we naturally change how we feel. If we think that a given experience is a bad thing, we'll tend to have negative feelings about it. Yet if for some reason we perceive the same event as having beneficial results, our feelings about it change. Changing the thoughts changes the feelings.

It is important to recognize that feelings themselves cannot be changed directly. They are a natural result of how we experience our world. They give us important messages from inside of us, helping us to make choices and develop intuition. Sometimes we may try to stuff our feelings or force them to go away, but the results are generally detrimental to ourselves, our bodies, or other people. Yet, when we learn to "reprogram" our perceptions or thoughts, our emotions naturally change, and we enter a powerful world of choice and opportunity.

We all have negative thoughts, so, don't worry when you hear them rattling around in your brain. It is very human. We all operate to a great extent from our conditioned minds. However, the good news is that we can train ourselves over time to operate instead from a position of choice rather that what is automatic. Whether in the arena of relationships, income, business, family, self-esteem, spirituality, or even clarifying our purpose in life, we can learn to restructure our thoughts, and doing so, discover the happiness we all seek. Like the children’s book about the little engine that “thought he could,” we can repeat the thoughts and images of what we want our reality to be, until we make it to the top of the hill. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can….” It won’t be long before you CAN.”

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